This week my therapist said something that has stayed with me ever since:
“Grief takes time, and what you do with that time is important.”
I’ve heard people say for years, “Just give it time.” There is truth in that. Grief does take time. But time alone does not heal us. If it did, every person who experienced loss would emerge healthy and whole simply because enough days had passed. We know that’s not true.
Some people become bitter. Some become stuck. Some spend years avoiding what hurts, only to discover the pain waiting for them later.
You have a choice
When grief enters our lives, we have choices to make.
Will we process our pain or bury it?
Will we keep showing up for life even when life doesn’t look the way we hoped it would?
Our choices don’t remove grief, but they do shape us while grief does its work. I know this because there have been seasons when my only goal was survival. At times, I was simply trying to get through the day and make it to bedtime. Some days, my goal was little more than breathing. And sometimes that’s enough for a season. But eventually grief asks something more of us. It asks whether we are willing to engage with the healing process.
Grief is not something we conquer. It is something we carry. And how we carry it matters.
Healing is found in choosing, day after day, what kind of person we will become while grief remains.
My recent revelation
I was praying about a deep loss I have been carrying and said, “Why, God? Why does it seem like I’m always grieving something? Am I bringing this on myself? Why do I always have something to grieve?”
His answer came immediately:
“Because you keep loving.”
That stopped me in my tracks.
Grief is the price of love.
The deeper we love, the greater our capacity for grief.
And grief is not limited to death.
Other types of grief
This week, I was talking with our pastoral staff about some of the loss and pain I’ve been experiencing. We were discussing GriefShare, a ministry at our church for those who have lost loved ones through death. One of our pastors mentioned that people occasionally come seeking help because a fiancé ended a relationship, a beloved pet died, or they lost a job.
While those individuals are often directed to a different type of support because there is a unique experience associated with the death of a spouse, child, or close family member, it sparked an important conversation.
The truth is that many losses deserve to be grieved.
Relationships end.
Dreams die.
Careers shift.
Children move away.
Health declines.
Doors close.
These losses may not involve a funeral, but they still leave people hurting.
As our staff talked, we all agreed that our churches and communities need more places for people to process these kinds of losses too. And who knows? I may be doing something about that very thing in the future.
But here’s what I know today:
If you keep loving, grief will keep coming. Not because something is wrong with you. But because things happen and people matter. And because loss is woven into the human experience.
When you love fully, you always risk heartbreak, and the possibility of being grief stricken.
So if you are grieving today, here are three things I highly recommend as you walk through this season:
Feel the Grief Instead of Running From It
Many of us spend enormous energy trying not to hurt. We stay busy, numb ourselves with distractions, or convince ourselves we should be “over it by now.” But grief that is ignored doesn’t disappear. It simply waits.
Healing begins when we acknowledge what hurts and give ourselves permission to feel it. Cry. Journal. Pray. Talk to someone safe. Name the loss honestly. What we are willing to feel, we can begin to heal.
I’ve made a decision that when the tears come because of something I’ve lost, I’m not going to hold them back anymore. That doesn’t mean I sit in a staff meeting and sob in front of everyone. Although, I do cry in front of my assistant, Judi. She doesn’t judge me, and she might just cry with me. I extend the same grace to her, when she shares her pain. But in other settings, if I feel the tears coming, I may excuse myself and go to my office, a restroom, or even my car and let them come. Tears are not my enemy. They are one of the ways God designed us to release pain.
For years, many of us were taught to stay strong, keep moving, and push through. While there is a time for perseverance, there is also a time to acknowledge that something hurts. Holding grief in doesn’t heal it. It delays it. The pain eventually finds a way out, whether through our emotions, our bodies, our relationships, or our behavior. When we allow ourselves to grieve honestly, we stop fighting the healing process and begin cooperating with it.
Stay Connected to God and People
One of grief’s strongest temptations is isolation. When we’re hurting, we often pull away from God and others. We stop answering texts. We skip church. We withdraw from friendships. We convince ourselves that nobody understands, or that we’d rather be left alone. While solitude has its place, healing rarely happens in isolation.
Some of God’s greatest gifts during seasons of grief come through His presence and the people He places around us. You don’t need a hundred people. You just need a few safe people who can sit with you in the truth of what you’re carrying.
Don’t let grief convince you to walk alone. And don’t let it convince you to disconnect from your church family.
Over the years, I’ve watched many people pull away from church after a significant loss. Often it begins with good intentions. They’re exhausted. They don’t feel like talking. They don’t have the energy to worship. They tell themselves they’ll come back when they feel stronger. But the longer they stay away, the harder it often becomes to return. What started as a brief season of stepping back slowly becomes a habit. Then months pass. Sometimes years. Please hear me: I’m not saying you need to put on a happy face or pretend you’re okay. Quite the opposite.
Come hurting.
Come confused.
Come angry.
Come with questions.
Come with tears.
Just come.
There have been many Sundays when I walked into church carrying a burden I wished I didn’t have. Yet time after time, God met me there. Sometimes through worship. Sometimes through a sermon. Sometimes through a simple conversation in the hallway.
The last few months, I have simply walked in “as is.” And I’m the co-pastor.
As one of our worship leaders, I help lead worship each week, and before service we gather in the back room for devotions and prayer. During this season, I have been honest with the team about my loss and the pain that has resulted. I haven’t pretended to be okay when I wasn’t. There have been tears.
One of my fondest memories from this difficult season is of one of our worship leaders, Sheneil Romero. We were sitting next to each other on a couch as I shared with the team some of what I was carrying. As tears streamed down my face, she quietly put her arms around me and remained there throughout the prayer time.
She didn’t try to fix anything.
She didn’t offer advice.
She didn’t explain away the pain.
She was simply present and literally held me.
Her presence communicated something powerful: “I will make space for this pain with you. You do not have to carry it alone.”
That moment ministered to me more than she probably realizes.
The entire team has been holding me up during this season, and I love them deeply for it. They have reminded me that one of God’s greatest gifts in grief is the people He sends to help carry the weight when we are struggling to carry it ourselves.
God often ministers to us through people, and isolation cuts us off from one of the very things He intends to use to help us heal. You were never meant to carry the weight of grief by yourself. So allow God to meet you through His presence and through the people He has placed in your life.
Keep Living While You Heal
This may be the most important one.
Grief deserves space, but it should not become your entire identity. This week, my therapist asked me what I was going to do during this time of grief. And I said, “I know one thing, I’m not going to waste it. No matter what happens over the next weeks, months and years, I will not allow this time to be waste, as sad as I remain over a situation.
I’m going to keep riding my bike. I’m going to enjoy my husband, my kids and grand kids. I’m going to keep creating. I’m going to keep worshipping. I’m going to keep doing the very best job I can at work. I’m going to keep making new friends. I’m going to travel. I’m going to keep laughing when something is funny. I’m going to keep making plans for the future. I’m going to keep loving the heck out of people. And as my grandma used to admonish all of us in the family to do, I’m going to “keep on keeping on.” I’m not a quitter.
I am not betraying my loss by continuing to live. It doesn’t diminish my loss, or my pain to keep living life.
The goal is not to forget what happened.
The goal is to build a meaningful life while still carrying what happened.
Every healthy choice you make during grief is helping shape the person you will become on the other side of it.
0 Comments