A truth-telling friend doesn’t merely affirm where you are. They lovingly remind you who you are and call you toward where God is leading you.They help you to grow. I am thankful to have a growing friendship with Reshma McClintock, a fellow adoptee, and a writer who is also a Christian. You can read more about her here.
I am a person who doesn’t let distance stop me from creating or maintaining a friendship.I develop friendships online, through Zoom, phone calls, texts, and any other way possible. There are 8 billion or so people in the world and I do not limit myself to the people who live around me, although I don’t exclude them.
This week I had a phone call with Reshma that was particularly life-giving for me and I asked her if I could share some of the contents of our conversation, because honestly, I felt like it would help more people than just me. The Bible says, “The heartfelt counsel of a friend is as sweet as perfume and incense.” (Proverbs 27:9) and I’m telling you…it really is! To me it is more valuable than perfume or incense. The counsel of a friend can change the trajectory of your life.
I need friends who tell me hard things
At one point, I asked Reshma for her advice about a decision I need to make. Before sharing her thoughts, she sounded kind of reluctant to answer and said something like:“Please don’t be offended by what I’m about to say. I know you have been a Christian for such a long time, and you’re a spiritual leader. I’m know you already know everything I’m about to say…”
I quickly assured her that she did not need to worry about offending me. I encouraged her to say what was really in her heart, for me.
The truth is, it doesn’t matter how long I have known Jesus or how many years I have been leading. I am not beyond correction. The day I am beyond correction, is a dangerous day! I am not beyond needing someone to speak strongly and honestly into my life. In fact, the longer I live and lead, the more I recognize how much I need trustworthy people who will tell me the truth.
I don’t need friends who are impressed by my titles, experience, or accomplishments. I need friends who love me enough to say what needs to be said. I value the people who will remind me of what I already know when disappointment, fear, exhaustion, or uncertainty makes it difficult for me to see clearly. Sometimes the truth we most need to hear is not something new. It is something we already know—but need a trusted friend to help us remember.
The most important question
I also told Reshma about a decision I had been struggling with about walking through a door regarding sharing my story, if indeed it opens, and why it feels complicated and even scary. I worry about the fallout that will come if I share my story in this particular arena. I know I will open myself up to intense scrutiny and maybe even persecution.
After listening, she said something like this: “I think you already know that if you are given the opportunity, you’re going to do this. All that matters is what you know in your heart is right—not what anyone else thinks. The question is, does God want you to do it? If He does, I already know you’re going to do that thing. Whatever comes from it, you will simply have to navigate it with God’s grace. And you will!”
She brought me back to the question beneath all my other questions:
Does God want me to do this?
Not: Will everyone understand?
Not: Will everyone approve?
Not: Can I guarantee the outcome?
Not: Will there be consequences, complications, or criticism?
Not even: Will this be easy?
Sometimes we delay obedience because we are trying to determine and control everything that might happen afterward. But God does not always give us a complete map of what comes next. He asks us to discern what is right, take the next faithful step, and trust that His grace will meet us in whatever follows.
We cannot always control the response of other people, predict every consequence, or remove all uncertainty. We can only determine, as best we know how, whether God is leading us, and then obey. The same God who gives us the courage to take the step will also give us the grace to navigate what comes after it.
Pushback can be a push up
Finally, I shared with Reshma that I had been receiving some pushback concerning a few things. So I’m getting a little nervous and uncomfortable already, before the moment has even come.
Her response surprised me.
“That’s actually not a bad thing,” she said. “I always say that pushback is a push-up!”
She explained that the resistance I was experiencing could ultimately take me higher.
I have continued thinking about that phrase:
Pushback is a push-up.
We usually interpret opposition as a sign that something is wrong. Sometimes it is, and we should always remain humble and willing to examine ourselves. But pushback does not automatically mean we have missed God. It does not necessarily mean we should stop, retreat, or make ourselves smaller.
Sometimes resistance develops our strength. Criticism can be used positively in our lives to clarify what we really believe. Opposition can force us to examine why we are doing what we are doing—and emerge more certain of our purpose.
Sometimes what feels like it is pushing us backward is actually strengthening us for where we are going next.
A physical push-up creates strength through resistance. Without resistance, the muscles would not be challenged to grow. Perhaps some of the resistance we experience in life and leadership can do the same thing spiritually and emotionally.
It can teach us to stand more firmly, listen more carefully, pray more deeply, and move forward with greater courage.
The gift of truth-telling friendship
After our conversation ended, I found myself feeling especially grateful for truth-telling friendship. In itself, it can push us higher. There are times I need a comforting conversation, and times I need a proverbial kick-in-the-pants. When I got off the phone with Reshma, I had already made some decisions in my heart based on what she said. I’m walking through this door if it opens, and my concern will not be what comes next. God’s got it. If God does open this door, I am taking it as His will. I’m also feeling a bit empowered and encouraged that when (not if) I get pushback, it’s going to only serve to push me higher.
Today as you’re reading this I hope you have the gift of friends who speak truth to you and I hope you will have a soft heart to receive what they have to say. If you don’t already have such a friend or friends, it’s not too late to cultivate them. Don’t just sit and wait for them to come to you. The Bible says that a friend who has friends must show himself friendly.(Proverbs 18:24) That means you have to take initiative. I don’t wait for things to come to me all the time. I sought Reshma out and said, “Hey, can we Zoom?” and she graciously responded. And things went from there. Some of you do not have friends because you have taken no step to find them or cultivate them. You’ve got to get out there!
Meaningful friendships don’t merely comfort us. They sharpen us. They steady us. They tell us the truth with love. They remind us who we are and help us recognize what God may be doing.
And sometimes, when life pushes back, they help push us up.
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