Larry and I are on vacation this week. I took the photo above from our balcony at sunset last night. As we’ve enjoyed this time away, I’ve been thinking about what it means to take care of each other on a vacation, and I wanted to share a few thoughts with you. Sometimes, as married couples, we put so much thought into where we’re going and what we’ll do that we overlook one of the most important parts of a shared vacation, and that is…investing in each other.
First, a confession: I am truly the passenger princess. My part in taking care of him on vacation generally begins after we leave, because he handles all the planning beforehand. In addition to being a pastor, Larry owns a travel agency. He plans trips for me and at present time, his agency has nearly 500 clients, many of whom are return business. He really is wonderful at what he does. I have complete confidence in the care he gives his clients because I experience it myself, over and over again. Amazingly, he has never done any advertising. His business has grown through word of mouth. But since I’m writing about vacation and investing in each other, I’d be remiss not to mention the person who makes our trips possible. If you need help planning a getaway, you can reach him at Best Memories Travel. (There’s no fee to you for his planning services, and he can explain how that works when you connect.)
So…Larry handles everything leading up to our departure, along with any travel issues that arise while we’re away. I recognize how much work goes into that, and I’m grateful. But once we leave, there’s another kind of investment I want to focus on and that is, how we care for each other during the trip. Most people put so much thought into the sights they will see, excursions they will take, and restaurants they want to try. But how much thought do they give to the way they will treat the person sharing those experiences with them? Being good to each other deserves a place in our vacation plans.
Vacation is about so much more than the destination. It’s prime time for your partner to feel loved, appreciated and cared for to a level beyond what is possible in every day life. I say beyond what is possible everyday simply because of the time factor. Unless you are retired, you do not have all day every day to invest in your spouse. But on vacation, you can!
Here are five things Larry and I make room for on vacation that I encourage you to consider, too.
Invest in physical connection
You knew I was going to say this! So, why not put it right up front? Yes, sex and affection deserve attention in a marriage all the time. But during busy seasons, they can get whatever scraps of energy are left after everyone and everything else has had a turn. And sometimes, there are unfortunately no scraps.Vacation is prime time to change all that. This is your time to reconnect when you finally have fewer distractions. Make something of it! Be intentional about staying physically close, in your hotel room and throughout the day. Be intentionally affectionate. Let your spouse know you want them. And use some of your vacation time to talk about where your relationship is at, physically.
Vacation can give you more privacy and breathing room to have an honest conversation about sex and affection. What do you enjoy? What would you like more of? Is there something you’ve wanted to ask for but haven’t? These conversations don’t expire after the honeymoon. Almost forty years into marriage, we’re still having them. What you want and need can change, and your spouse shouldn’t have to guess. And no, change doesn’t automatically mean you’re fizzling out or getting boring. It might mean the exact opposite! A good marriage is ever learning, growing and changing for the better.
Give priority to what each of you enjoys
I primarily want three things on vacation: quiet time, writing, and dancing. Larry wouldn’t put any of those on his list, but he makes room for all three. He respects my quiet mornings in our hotel room or cruise ship cabin, reading and drinking my coffee. He gives me space to write. And although dancing isn’t his thing, he’ll readily go with me to a silent disco or another dance gathering because he knows I love it. The give and take goes both ways.
I enjoy shows, (like musicals, etc.) but left to myself, I’d usually skip them on vacation. Larry loves them, so when we’re cruising, I go to the shows he wants to see. He also enjoys watching sports, whether that’s in a sports lounge/bar or back in our room. I’m good with that. Then there’s socializing. My husband is an extreme extrovert. He sometimes wants to meet up with people, while I’m thinking, I finally have you to myself. Why are we adding people to our dinner time? But I understand that connecting with others is something he enjoys. When there’s room for the things that matter to me, I’m more open to those meetups, too. Within reason! I still want time that belongs to just us.
Your idea of relaxing may look nothing like your spouse’s. Talk about it. Make room for each other’s preferences, and bring a good attitude when it’s their turn to choose. Nobody wants to enjoy their favorite activity beside someone who’s making it painfully obvious they’d rather be elsewhere.
Linger more
We spend enough of our ordinary lives watching the clock. On vacation, we give ourselves permission to slow down. I love the kind of getaway where we forget what day it is and have no particular reason to care what time it is. This may sound crazy to some people, but Larry and I have taken a weeklong cruise and never gotten off the ship! When we’ve already visited all the ports, sometimes we’re perfectly happy to stay on board. And those are perfect times (port days) to use all the stuff on the ship with practically no one else around! During especially exhausting seasons, this has been wonderful for us. No excursions to meet up for. No pressure to get off the ship and make the most of every destination. If we want to sleep ten hours or more, we do. If we want to lie in bed and watch movies all day, we do that, too. We don’t owe anybody an impressive answer to “What did you do on vacation?” Sometimes we did nothing but rest. rested, and needed every minute of it.
So, stay at the breakfast table a little longer. Sip your coffee slowly and enjoy the view from the balcony. Take a walk without calculating how quickly you need to get back. Leave some room to enjoy each other without having to interrupt a perfectly good moment because you’re already late for the next thing.
Give each other some space
Being on vacation together doesn’t mean spending every minute doing the same thing. One person may want a nap while the other reads by the pool. Someone may need a little time alone before being ready for another activity.
So, talk about your need for space at times, and make room for that. You can enjoy an hour or more apart and look forward to coming back together. Taking care of yourself helps you bring more energy and patience to the time you share.
Don’t Give Your Spouse a New View and the Same Work
A cruise is about the only vacation I’ve taken where someone else handles the cooking, dishes, and housekeeping. This is a large part of its appeal! A beach condo or cabin in the woods can be wonderful, but somebody still has to figure out meals, cook, and clean up. A beautiful view doesn’t make a sink full of dishes any more relaxing.
Divide the work. Don’t leave your spouse to plan every meal, prepare it, and clean up afterward. And don’t wait for them to assign you a task. You can see the overflowing trash can, too. Talk ahead of time about what needs to be done and who will handle it. Take ownership so your spouse can actually relax without having to manage your participation.
Both of you are on vacation. Make sure both of you get to enjoy it.
Overall, I recommend asking your husband or wife: “What would help you enjoy today?” Then follow through. Small acts of care can make a vacation feel restful for the person who so often takes care of everything.
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