This week, despite many obstacles and against all odds, Larry and I headed out west once Hurricane Milton was over. We flew to California to take a long-planned vacation to Cabo, Puerto Vallarta, and Mazatlan. We were supposed to leave last Wednesday morning to spend a few extra days in San Diego before our cruise, but flights were cancelled going out of Tampa. We thought it was going to be impossible to go on our trip as planned. We waited out the storm and were hoping we could make it in time but were doubtful. Once we had all the debris cleaned up at our house, we switched our flights and drove to Jacksonville where flights seemed unaffected, and made it to California in time. I had been so eager for time away and felt like I was hanging on by a thread just to get to it. I am still thanking God over and over for granting it  to us.

My mind is on spending time with Larry more than usual this week. I thought I’d post about some ways we’ve been able to stay together for 38 years and counting. (Keep in mind we got married when Larry was a teenager. No, I’m not kidding. Somehow, we got married that young and lived to tell about it.) Okey dokey, here we go…

Use all of your vacation time

Use every speck of it. That’s what it’s there for. You should never, ever give up/lose a vacation day. It’s an extremely important part of your health and wellbeing. Whether you can afford to go away or not — take every bit of the time off.

Larry is a full time pastor, but he also owns his own travel agency and is an agent. This venture was birthed out of his intense love for travel and making memories. His passion for travel grew out of his never really experiencing a true vacation as a kid. His family mostly visited relatives, which doesn’t always prove to be a relaxing time or a real vacation. Larry dreamed of growing up and actually going on vacation trips. This is a huge priority to him, and therefore it has become a priority for me.

I’m the type of person that could be happy doing a staycation, laying in bed at home, reading books for a week. I don’t need to go anywhere or do anything special to be happy. But Larry’s passion is to travel somewhere — and preferably somewhere he hasn’t been before. I am supportive of his desires in this regard and happily go.  He is also supportive of me in that he encourages me to spend time reading and writing (for pleasure, not work) on trips. Of course, we also focus on one another a lot, uninterrupted.  Vacation is prime time to spend a lot of time focusing on our relationship. An important point to consider for those in the ministry is to understand that vacation isn’t a time when you go away to preach somewhere. Vacation isn’t about taking your work somewhere else. Vacation is about truly vacating and relaxing  And if you are married, it’s the perfect time to focus on your spouse.

A luxury vacation isn’t needed to prioritize your marriage. It’s not about how much you spend. The important thing is taking the time, and your focus. Whether you are going away or doing a staycation — spend plenty of time investing in your relationship.

Mind Your Manners

Marriage is about more than lingerie and date nights. Over the years, I’ve learned it’s also about saying “please,” and “thank you.”  Sometimes marriage partners let manners slide the more the years went go on, because we’ve gotten used to each other and are in a comfortable rhythm.  I’ve learned that getting that comfortable can really be detrimental to keeping a relationship hot. I’ve noticed people who talk to servers in restaurants or their business colleagues in a more pleasant tone than they do their spouse. I don’t want to be that person.

Show Appreciation

Something I noticed a while back is that some spouses bark orders at each other like they are some kind of indentured servant. Then, when they grant their request, they often don’t bother to thank them. Recently I noticed a man gruffly say to his wife, “Serena*, get me a cup of coffee…,” and she scampered off to get it and brought it back and he didn’t even thank her. A few days later I overheard a woman yell to her husband, “Frank*, go pull the car around!” He dutifully ran off to get the car and she didn’t even say thank you once he came around with the car.  These kind of marriages often seem old and stale.

A while back, I thought about how many times I hear my friends who are widows say things like, “I never realized all that he did until he was gone…” You hear this over and over again from people who have lost their spouse. I thought to myself, “If Larry dies before me, that’s not going to be me!” I started noticing every little thing he did, and thanked him for it.

“Thank you for bringing me coffee…”

“Thank you for fixing the soffit that fell down off the house in the backyard during the storm.”

“Thank you for taking care of the tax bill.”

“Thank you for rubbing my back.”

I was saying thank you every single time he did anything large or small, because I was making a point that I do notice all that he does for me and I am grateful. But after a while of doing that, he said it was a bit overboard to be thanked 26 times a day and asked me to cut back a little bit because it was irritating him. So I did stop doing it as much, at least for now. But I do think it’s important to NOTICE, and to APPRECIATE, and to be genuine with it.

Listen Up

As the years of marriage went on, I became so used to hearing my husband talk that I wouldn’t even really hear what he said anymore. I realized that I needed to be intentional with truly listening. It’s important to note that even after fully listening we still might not agree, or come to a meeting of the minds on something. Nevertheless, it’s important that each person be fully heard. I’ve learned that active listening involves being fully present and hearing what he is telling me without thinking up what I’m going to say next. Admittedly, this is realllllllllllllly hard. I love thinking about what I’m going to say next!

Prioritize Physical Intimacy

A sexless marriage is one in which sex has not happened for one year or more. A low-sex marriage is one that is having sex 10 times a year or less. (Read more on these stats and the sexless marriages here.) A healthy marriage is one where sex is prioritized. This isn’t the only thing that is important in keeping a marriage strong, in fact if you aren’t intentional about other things such as the first four helps that I  mentioned, you probably won’t have a very strong marriage no matter how much sex you have. But sexual health of a marriage is extremely important.

Sexual intimacy sets a marriage apart as different from every other relationship in your life. If there is no physical intimacy in a marriage, a couple isn’t anything more than roommates at the least and best friends at the most. Marriage is not just a friendship, it is a covenant that is made before God, with physical intimacy expected as a normal part of the relationship. If sex isn’t happening or sex isn’t good when it does happen, there’s something else going on that needs to be addressed. If this is the case, in addition to going to a marriage therapist, I highly recommend all of the resources from Bare Marriage as well as The Gottman Institute. These are the two best marriage resources that I know of, and they both come from an egalitarian standpoint, which for me means they are safe and can be trusted.

These aren’t the only 5 things we do to keep our relationship on course, but they are five of the most important. If you’re married and keeping the fire stoked, what are some things that are helpful to you?

*Names have been changed