“Women need real moments of solitude and self-reflection to balance out how much of ourselves we give away.” 

~ Barbara De Angelis

I didn’t have my first real vacation as an adult until my teen sons and daughter were almost grown. We always went somewhere that I had to keep doing the cooking, cleaning and laundry — just in a different location than home. We went everywhere from Gatlinburg, Tennessee to various beaches on the east coast, and every time I simply picked up my jobs in the home and took them somewhere else for the week that typically wasn’t baby proof or set up for my routine of taking care of my family. When we got a condo in the mountains or at the beach, I still did the same amount of dishes and laundry as usual, and had to keep constantly tidying up our temporary living space. When we vacationed with our kids as babies it was the most difficult and it got somewhat easier when they were older, but it was never truly a break for me until we took a cruise. Then, I realized what a real break looked like. But by that time my kids were almost grown.

I hear this same thing from most every other woman I know. If they have young kids they all say the same thing — that vacation is never really vacation for them. It’s simply doing whatever they do, away from their usual space, and it is more stressful. They come back feeling like they need a vacation from their vacation. This generally doesn’t begin to change until your kids are grown, or you take a cruise. On a cruise, someone else does the cooking, the dishes, and cleans your room every day. You can also get your laundry done on a cruise. You can send your kids to the activities for children and teens on a cruise and have time by yourself. (By the way, if you’re looking to book a cruise, my husband if your guy! He owns his own travel agency and has hundreds of happy clients. Find him here.)

A lot of times on “vacations” like these with young children, moms are absolutely exhausted and that’s prime time when husbands are thinking about getting away and taking opportunities to be intimate. Meanwhile as a woman, you’re just thinking, “God, help me get through this day,” not, “how can I spice things up in the bedroom?” It’s not that you don’t love your husband or that you dislike being intimate it’s just that you are utterly exhausted.So many times woman are labeled cold or uninterested when the reality is that they are exhausted and in need of a break. I believe a lot of husbands would be shocked at how things would change if their wife simply got the rest she needs.

As for pastor’s wives, some husband’s will think, “I’ll give my wife a break as she takes the women of the church on a retreat, or away at a conference.” This is a wonderful break for the women of the church, but for the pastor’s wife it’s a non-stop, almost 24/7 working weekend. Even if she is going to a conference that someone else entirely planned and all she had to do was register and show up, the thing is, she’s like the “church mom.” This is not a break for her. Women are talking to her during every one of her waking hours, pouring out their souls, asking for counsel, and prayer. When the pastor’s wife gets home from one of these type of weekends she is thoroughly exhausted. While these ministry events are valuable and I highly recommend   pastor’s wives bring their women to them…make no mistake that it is NOT a vacation or a time of rest for the pastor’s wife.

I’m a big believer that women, whether single or married, need to be sent away by themselves to recharge. Women need some moments of time where nobody needs anything from them. They need to just “be” and not “do.” Solitude is a spiritual discipline that makes all of us stronger.

‘Solitary trees, if they grow at all, grow strong.” ~  Winston Churchill

If getting a hotel room to have some time alone is financially impossible, perhaps a friend might have a place to stay for a night. Also, some ministries offer places for ministers and spouses to refresh and renew, for a reduced rate or for free. If that type of arrangement can’t be found, at the very least, a husband could take the kids and give his wife a day of rest by herself at home. I realize this is even more complicated for a woman who is a single mother. I believe being a single mother has to be one of the greatest stresses on the planet. (It’s another blog post for another day.)

Something I have recently started doing is to let my husband know that some of my Sabbath days will be nothing but solitude. I give him a heads up by saying something like, “Babe, next Saturday, I’m taking a Sabbath at home, in my pajamas, all day. I’m not cooking. There will be leftovers in the fridge or you can order Door Dash. I’m not going anywhere, or doing anything but read all day.”

So, my sister-friend, maybe time off or money is in short supply, right now. I want to encourage you to raise your hand, advocate for yourself and say, “Hey, I need a break, too!” How I wish I would have done that more — and absolutely insisted, especially when my kids were young. It’s not only perfectly okay, it’s necessary to ask for help. It’s okay to let it be known that you need to sit in the silence for a while. And I know I said it was another blog post for another day, but just as one suggestion — if you are a single mom, maybe you could work out an arrangement with another single mom to give each other a few hours or a day of rest.

My friend…

I also want you to know that you are seen.
You are understood.
What you are doing is incredibly valuable.
You make a difference.
You are appreciated.
You are loved.

“…whoever refreshes others will be refreshed…” Proverbs 11:25
(But sometimes we do have to advocate for that refreshing!)