Recently Larry and I had the opportunity to share at a marriage conference and with the couples at our church about the 15 rules we live by in our marriage. These didn’t come from a book or a single conversation. They were shaped over years of walking through life together—some from the very beginning, others learned along the way.
Every couple will develop their own rhythms and standards, but these are the ones that have anchored us. After 38 years of marriage, they continue to serve us well.
Church is a non-negotiable
Not because we are pastors. Because we are Christians. Church is not something we attend when convenient. It is the community that shapes us, corrects us, strengthens us, and reminds us who we are. Where marriages often break down is in isolation. When couples disconnect from spiritual community, they drift spiritually and relationally. You cannot starve your soul and expect your marriage to thrive.
Tithing and giving are non-negotiables
Again, not because we are pastors, but because we belong to Christ. Money reveals where our trust really lies. When a couple tithes together, they are declaring, “God, You are our provider.”
Generosity aligns your heart and keeps fear from driving your decisions.
Larry and I have tithed since the very beginning of our marriage, and we have always tried to live generously with offerings as well. I don’t say that to brag, but to testify to God’s goodness. I have never once regretted anything I’ve given to the Lord. If anything, there have been moments when I wished I had given more.
Giving is not something we have to do—it’s something we get to do. It is one of the greatest privileges of our lives.
To be completely transparent, Larry and I have had our share of conversations—and yes, even disagreements—about finances over the years. We’ve wrestled with questions like what to spend money on or how much to save. But in 38 years of marriage, we have never had a disagreement about tithing or giving to God. And I am deeply grateful for that.
In many ways, I believe our commitment to generosity has protected our marriage and our lives. That may sound dramatic, but for us, it’s simply the truth.
We move together in unity
We don’t force decisions—either way. Larry and I strongly believe the principle that where there is dominance, there can be no true intimacy. That’s true in every area of marriage.
We would be considered an egalitarian couple. We function as equals and make decisions together. If one of us feels hesitant about something, we slow down. We pray. We talk. We revisit the conversation. Unity matters more than speed. Agreement builds safety.
Leadership in marriage is not about control or dominance. It’s about honoring and respecting one another, walking in humility, and practicing mutual submission under Christ. When a major decision is on the table, neither of us pushes the other into something they’re not ready for. Instead, we remain patient with one another as we pray, listen, and work toward genuine agreement.
Vacation time is sacred
Larry feels incredibly strongly about this one. Growing up, family “vacations” really weren’t vacations—they were trips to Grandma’s house. He never went somewhere like Disney or spent time at the beach. When he was approaching adulthood, he made a decision: when he had a family of his own, real vacations would be part of their life. Even if money was tight, he would find a way.
My experience growing up was very similar. Most trips were visits to relatives. So not only was the idea of real vacations new to me, but when Larry and I first married, I wasn’t even a big fan of taking time off. I wanted to work all the time. Larry taught me the value of rest and stepping away—and honestly, he’s still teaching me.
We prioritized real vacations when our kids were growing up, and now as empty nesters we prioritize them just as much. When we take vacation days, we use them for true vacation—to get away, rest, reconnect, and renew before returning to the responsibilities waiting for us.
Quality time and true rest require intentionality. Visiting relatives is wonderful, but it isn’t the same as stepping away together and reconnecting as a couple.
Treat vacation days like gold. Protect them. Invest in memories. Every season of life needs renewal.
We celebrate milestones
We don’t let big moments pass quietly. Whenever possible, we celebrate.
If one of us receives an honor, reaches a milestone, or experiences a meaningful moment, we intentionally stop and acknowledge it. Celebration matters.
When I received my book contract, my instinct was to simply text the kids and share the news. Larry stopped me and said, “No—you’re going to FaceTime each of them.” His reason was simple: “You’ve waited your whole life for this moment. This deserves more than a text.”
He was right. Celebration reinforces value. It tells the people we love that their effort, growth, and dreams matter.
Marriage should be a place where we cheer each other on—where victories are noticed, hard work is honored, and joy is shared out loud.
No name calling. Ever.
No “you’re stupid.” No character attacks.
You can critique behavior without attacking someone’s identity. Words shape the atmosphere of a marriage, and once they are spoken, they cannot be taken back.
Larry and I have certainly made our share of mistakes over the years, but in all our disagreements we have never called each other a derogatory name—not once. There is a line of respect between us that simply is never crossed.
Protect the dignity of the person you married, even in the middle of conflict.
We have a mantra
This one came later in our marriage with the help of our therapist. She asked us to choose one line—one sentence—that we could lean on during difficult moments.
During that session Larry said something that caught her attention: “There’s nothing my wife and I can’t accomplish together.” She smiled and said, “I think you should make a version of that your mantra.”
So we did.
Depending on the situation, we’ll say things like, “We can do anything together,” or “There is nothing we can’t make it through together.”
We say it in the middle of arguments.
We say it in moments of crisis.
Every time, it shifts our posture—from adversaries back to allies.
Because the problem is the problem. Not each other.
We prioritize daily connection
Larry and I have noticed that many Christian marriage books, teachings, and conferences emphasize the importance of “date night.” And while that’s a great start, a thriving marriage requires more than an occasional evening out.
What matters just as much are the daily touchpoints.
We especially prioritize the end of the day as a time to reconnect. Sometimes that looks like taking a walk together, cuddling on the couch, or simply sitting and talking after a meal.
These small, consistent moments of connection make a big difference over time.
Small daily investments prevent major emotional debt.
We do not volunteer each other
I don’t tell someone, “Larry would be glad to help you move next Saturday,” and Larry doesn’t say, “My wife would love to meet with you!” We sign each other up for nothing without first asking.
It’s a simple rule, but it protects a lot of peace.
We honor each other’s agency and time. We don’t assume the other person will automatically be okay with something, even if the request seems small or generous. Instead, we check first.
This communicates respect. It says, “Your time and your energy matter.”
Resentment often grows when people feel controlled or obligated without being consulted. A quick conversation ahead of time prevents a lot of unnecessary frustration later.
Honor your spouse enough to let them say yes—or no—for themselves.
We keep talking
As long as you’re still talking—even if you’re arguing—there is still engagement.
Silence is often more dangerous than raised voices.
My parents were Christian leaders in the church, and I never once heard them raise their voices or argue. From the outside, everything looked peaceful. But the truth is, there just wasn’t communication. Eventually, their marriage ended in divorce.
A relationship can break down quietly. You don’t have to scream and yell for it to fall apart. Sometimes the real danger is when people stop talking altogether.
I often tell men, “If your wife is still yelling at you, there’s hope.” When she stops talking entirely, she may be emotionally done. When communication stops, intimacy slowly erodes.
Larry and I have learned that we have to keep talking about issues—even when it’s uncomfortable. Earlier in our marriage, Larry sometimes did what relationship experts call stonewalling. Stonewalling is when someone shuts down emotionally during conflict. Instead of engaging, they withdraw, go silent, avoid eye contact, or refuse to continue the conversation. It can feel like hitting a wall when you’re trying to resolve something.
We eventually realized that this pattern was damaging our marriage. Avoiding the conversation didn’t solve the problem—it only allowed distance to grow between us.
So we made a commitment: we will face the hard things together. We keep talking, we keep listening, and we keep working through the issues rather than walking away from them.
Because connection requires conversation—even when it’s difficult.
We share the load
Marriage is shared weight, and effort is love in action. Seasons may shift roles, but mutual care should never shift.
Larry and I share the work of life together—housework, responsibilities, and the countless tasks that keep a home and family running. There are a few things I tend to handle and a few things he tends to take care of, but overall we work as a team. The goal isn’t perfect symmetry; it’s shared responsibility.
We also host a lot in our home—sometimes large groups. When that happens, we’re both preparing the house, welcoming people, and cleaning up afterward. It’s never just me scurrying around playing hostess while Larry sits on the sidelines. We carry that load together.
When our kids were growing up, Larry was an excellent father. One thing that always irritated him was when someone would ask a dad, “Are you babysitting today?” if he was out with his children. Larry would say, “How in the world can a man babysit his own kids?” Parenting was never something he thought of as helping me—it was his responsibility too.
One simple habit that has helped us over the years is checking in with each other about the next day. Most evenings we ask, “What do you have going on tomorrow, and how can I help?” Sometimes the answer is small, but those small acts of support lighten the load in meaningful ways.
When both people carry the weight of life together, marriage feels less like a burden—and more like a partnership.
No secret devices, accounts or passwords.
Transparency builds trust, and access quietly says, “I have nothing to hide.” I honestly can’t tell you the last time I picked up one of Larry’s devices to see what was on it—but the point is, I could if I wanted to. We both have access to each other’s phones, computers, and passwords. Nothing is off limits. The goal isn’t surveillance. It’s trust.
We don’t live with a sense that there are hidden corners in our lives. Openness removes unnecessary suspicion and protects the security of the relationship. When there is nothing being concealed, there is nothing for the imagination to run wild about. This principle goes beyond technology. We try not to keep secrets in general—about conversations, relationships, finances, or decisions that affect our life together. If something matters, it’s something we talk about.
Secrecy tends to breed suspicion. Transparency builds peace.
A healthy marriage doesn’t require constant checking—it simply provides constant access.
We stay physically connected
Affection and physical intimacy are part of what you commit to when you marry. Your spouse is not only your friend or companion—you are also lovers. In marriage, you become the one legitimate partner for one another.
When I say we “stay” physically connected, I mean across all seasons—not just when everything is going well or when we happen to feel like it. Physical intimacy in marriage is covenantal, not transactional.
Larry is my only legitimate partner in this area, and I am his. Because of that, neither of us withholds affection or intimacy from the other.
To be clear, I’m not talking about what people sometimes refer to as “obligation sex.” I understand what that means, and I don’t agree with that mindset. Instead, I believe couples grow to see intimacy differently as their relationship with the Lord and with each other matures. It’s not just something one person gives to the other—it’s something both people receive together.
Everything doesn’t have to be perfect for connection to happen. It should never be treated as a duty, a weapon, leverage, or manipulation.
In more difficult seasons of our marriage, Larry and I have sometimes found that physical closeness actually helped relieve stress and restore a sense of unity—and that’s okay. In fact, that kind of connection can be especially important during challenging times.
Physical intimacy strengthens the bond of marriage. Even in stressful seasons, choosing connection reminds you that you are still on the same team.
The Holy Spirit is our leader
Jesus is the Lord of our marriage. We don’t see our relationship as something we manage on our own strength or wisdom. From the very beginning, Larry and I have tried to invite the Holy Spirit into every part of our life together.
We pray together. We seek God together. We ask the Spirit to guide our conversations, our decisions, and even our disagreements.
When we feel confident about something, we still look to Him for direction.
When we are unsure, we lean on Him even more.
The Holy Spirit has a way of bringing clarity when emotions run high and reminding us of what really matters when our perspective gets clouded.
Over the years we have learned that the Spirit often leads through quiet conviction, through Scripture, through prayer, and sometimes simply through the peace—or lack of peace—we feel about a decision.
We do not always get everything right, but we never want to move forward without first asking, “Lord, what do You want for us?”
A marriage that is led only by human effort can struggle under the weight of life. But a marriage that continually submits itself to the leadership of the Holy Spirit is strengthened, corrected, and renewed again and again.
A Spirit-led marriage doesn’t merely survive.
It flourishes.
We own our growth individually
Healthy marriages require two people who are growing—individually and together. That growth can take many forms: spiritual formation, continued learning, counseling or therapy when needed, mentoring relationships, and the ongoing pursuit of spiritual maturity.
One of the things Larry and I learned over time is that we cannot force growth in each other. I cannot make Larry grow, and he cannot make me grow. Each of us is responsible before God for our own spiritual and personal development.
I have often heard women say they are “waiting for their husband to lead them spiritually.” While I certainly value spiritual leadership in a marriage, the truth is that Jesus Himself is our High Priest. We have direct access to Him. We don’t have to wait for someone else to guide us in prayer, in the Word, or in our walk with God.
Larry is a wonderful man of God and a strong spiritual leader, but our rhythms of growth look different. Many mornings before Larry’s alarm has even gone off, I have already spent time in the Word, listened to a sermon or worship set, prayed, and begun my day. I often leave for work early while he is still sleeping. My spiritual life doesn’t have to pause until he wakes up.
At the same time, I don’t pressure Larry to grow at my pace or in the same ways that I do. He doesn’t have to read what I’m reading or follow the same routines I follow. God works with each of us personally.
A healthy marriage allows space for both people to pursue God wholeheartedly, while still encouraging one another along the way.
We grow individually—and that individual growth strengthens our marriage.
I hope these principles have been helpful and maybe sparked a few ideas for your own relationship.
What are some “rules” or commitments that have strengthened your marriage over the years?
As soon as we got to our hotel room on our honeymoon 57 years ago, we prayed. Then we called our parents and thanked them for a wonderful wedding and shared how much we loved them. We’ve done life in the same order: God and appreciation of family–and told them so.