This is going to be a lengthy and transparent post that contains real talk about sexuality. If you are uncomfortable with that, I advise that you exit the post now. I thought it would be good to give fair warning for those who are sensitive to this type of information. I don’t share this or anything else for shock value. My desire is always to help people. I recently brought this as a teaching at one of our Stronger Leadership Cohort sessions that I lead for PF Women. I believe it’s important for all women, but especially Christian women in leadership, to live pure lives. And so, I opened up and shared vulnerably with our female leaders about  the challenges to staying pure as married women, and how my husband Larry and I have navigated those in hopes that they could apply this wisdom to their own lives and marriages.

Purity is something we tend to focus on with teenagers, young adults or unmarried people. And I’ve never understood why we pretty much exclusively do that. I can’t say I’ve ever heard a sermon on purity for married people. But this is more important to me now as a married woman, than it ever was. I am as committed to purity now as I was before I married my husband and we made the decision together to not to have sex with each other before we got married. (Not that this was easy, but that was our decision and we stayed committed to it.) And now, as a married couple, we take steps to be not only exclusively intimate with each other for life, but to guard our thoughts and all other avenues that the enemy could come in and influence us to take part in something that would dishonor the Lord and the sacredness of our marriage.

I believe we are naive in the body of Christ and in leadership. We put silly things in place like rules that men and women should not work together in ministry, or have any conversation without another person present, in an effort to stay pure, when temptations go way beyond who you might serve with, work on a project with, or have a professional conversation with. We are living in the last days, and in the body of Christ, we need all hands on deck to do the work of the ministry. This means working side by side with our brothers, for the sake of the Kingdom, and not viewing them through any other lens than as our brothers in Christ. (Unless they are our spouse.)

The truth is that unfortunately these days anyone can find someone to have sex with at any time if they really want to, in about 10-15 minutes by scrolling through an app and picking someone in their city who is willing. And there will always be someone who is willing — the enemy makes sure of that. I had a friend who served in church ministry on pastoral staff who actually did that. She was married but her needs weren’t being met in the marriage. She followed the Billy Graham Rule (BGR) as it is known while serving in the church, while at the same time meeting up with men outside the church whenever the urge struck. It will take a lot more than the BGR to keep ourselves pure in these days and times. So let’s have some real talk here today.

Stay in God’s Word

I know that for a Christian this should go without saying, but we still always need to say it. Because it’s so easy to fall out of the pattern of staying in the Word. God’s Word is a lamp unto our feet and a light unto our path. We hide it in our hearts so that we do not sin against God…or our husband. (Psalm 119:11) If you want to live a pure life as a woman of God you have to be a woman of God’s Word. Every day as I stay in the Word of God it never fails to speak to me, to set me straight on things, to keep my heart, my mind and my body going in the right direction. There is no substitute for this.

Stay tender to conviction from the Holy Spirit

When you stay in God’s Word and in prayer and you stay surrendered and open, the Holy Spirit will speak to you, guaranteed. If you give Him freedom and that opportunity, He will provide everything that you need to live a pure life. 2 Peter 1:3 says, “By his divine power, God has given us everything we need for living a godly life.” God has provided all that you need to live in such a way that pleases Him, and to be the wife He wants you to be. But you have to take advantage of it. This means spending plenty of time in His Word and listening for His voice. God never fails to speak to me very specifically and strongly about my marriage, my sex life, purity, our finances, and literally everything else. If I don’t hear Him speaking, it’s because I’m not listening.

When the Holy Spirit speaks to me about these things, I must obey. No matter how much I may want to rationalize, or go my own way, I need to resist this and line up with what the Spirit of God is asking me to do. Sometimes I may not even understand the reason behind His instruction, but if He gives me a check in my spirit, I must obey.

So, let’s get real practical here…

Be careful about romanticizing your past

Stop thinking about ex boyfriends that you dated. Stay away from looking at their social media profiles, “just to see how they’re doing,” or “just because you’re curious.”  There is absolutely no good reason you need to stay updated on their lives.

Many times we talk ourselves into believing our past was greater than it was. We become like the Israelites who complained and thought they had things better in Egypt. The Israelites were not better off in Egypt, but in their moments of struggle, they falsely believed they were. Their perception was distorted by fear and hardship in the wilderness, causing them to forget the reality of their suffering in Egypt.

It would not be better for your to be with your ex-boyfriend, fiancee, or anyone from your past. God’s will is for you to put your thoughts and efforts into the man you are married to, today. Tend to your present. Put all of your energies into the relationship God has given you now.

Drink water from your own well.

Tend to your own garden.

As Proverbs 5:15-17 says:

“Drink water from your own well— share your love only with your wife. Why spill the water of your springs in the streets, having sex with just anyone?  You should reserve it for yourselves. Never share it with strangers.

In addition to not sharing with strangers, don’t share with people from your past, whether fantasizing about them in your head or actually following through with contacting them. Do not private message them. Do not ask mutual friends about them. These former relationships are in the past for a reason, and continuing to pursue anything or to rekindle any conversation is something that leads to destruction and you are not going to be happy going backwards.

Nurture the relationship that God gave you.

Do it even in the hard seasons when it’s the last thing you want to do. Larry and I kept up with date night even during seasons where we were mad at each other. It was the right thing to do. I always say, “Act on the facts and the feelings will come back.” What facts? The facts of God’s Word. In my experience, when we do what is right, good seasons come again and I hear that from a lot of other people too regarding their own marriages.

According to a recent study, a majority of people who once considered divorce are glad they didn’t follow through with it. The statistics show that two out of three unhappy married adults who avoided divorce or separation five years later reported that their feelings had changed and that they were once again happily married. And, only one out of five unhappy spouses who divorced and remarried reported being happily remarried. That’s right, they regretted being remarried.  Read about it here.

Don’t follow your feelings. Feelings are terrible leaders. There are times Larry and I have been at a challenging place in our marriage and then in the next season, we were on fire for one another like never before. It’s important to stay the course and give the Holy Spirit room to work. Sow the seeds for the harvest you want to reap in your marriage.

We have had difficult seasons in our marriage that the enemy could have utilized as an open door for impurity but I’m grateful neither of us fell into these sins that could have destroyed our marriage. Part of the reason we never fell into those sins was our commitment to continue doing date night, continuing to have sex, and continuing to do other right things even when we didn’t feel good about our marriage or each other. Remember that what you feed grows and what you starve dies.

Feed your relationship, even when you are struggling. I promise, one day you’ll be glad you did.

Be careful what you read/watch when no one’s looking

Statistics are increasing all the time of women who struggle with using porn. It’s easier to do than ever on our private devices. As many if not more struggle with reading erotic material — romantic books that are sexually explicit. The only place for an erotic story in the life of a married woman is her own story with her husband. It’s great to write your husband a sexy story about the two of you, but don’t rationalize the reading of erotic stories by others to boost your libido or put spice into your marriage. There are Godly ways to enhance your sex life that don’t have anything to do with reading erotica.

If you struggle with porn or reading erotica, get help for this addiction as soon as possible. The longer this goes on, the more challenging it is to break. You may not feel comfortable talking to someone in authority or to a minister, and that’s okay. The important thing is to get help.  In addition to prayer and fasting for a breakthrough on this, I recommend turning to a licensed professional Christian therapist who can help you get on the other side it to freedom. Even if you have prayed and fasted and God has helped you overcome, it is good to have the ongoing accountability of a therapist to keep you on track. They will strictly hold your confidence.

One of the words of wisdom I always give to the women I mentor is, “Don’t ever put in front of you what shouldn’t be inside of you.” For me that includes things on my Kindle I should not be reading, shows I should not be watching, movies I should not be watching, or anything that may provoke a sexual feeling toward anyone other than my husband.

Admittedly, keeping what I read pure is a little bit easier for me than some women being that I don’t like fiction. In fact, I hate fiction! I read almost none of it, preferring non-fiction genres such as Christian living, women’s issues, theology, religious, self help, biographies, and true crime. It’s extremely rare for me to read a fiction book, BUT — I have found that you have to be careful of non-fiction too. I was sharing with our Stronger Cohort that recently I bought a book on Kindle that was a marriage book by a secular author. I do a lot of research about communication, sex, finances and all the things. This book was great 75% of the way through but when I got to almost the end of it, the author said something like, “I know many of my readers might be uncomfortable with this, or take issue with this but one thing you may want to consider to increase the satisfaction of your sex life within your relationship/marriage is to bring another couple into it…” The second I read that, I deleted the book. That’s part of why I can’t give an exact quote from this author here, because I got rid of the book the second I read that sentence. I didn’t care that I paid for it. I didn’t care that I lost money. I didn’t care that 75% of the book gave some information that was helpful to my marriage. I’m not keeping that type of material in my collection that encourages or affirms bringing anyone else into the sacredness of our marriage.

Talk to your husband about temptations

Larry and I married super young. He was only 19. We married before our brains were even fully formed. It’s a miracle we’re still here, and in love.

When we first got married, we were bi-vocational. We both worked full time jobs and we both served in the church in what were full time hours as well. He was a youth pastor and I was a music pastor. Most weeks we worked at least 80 hours between the two jobs. I had Saturday and Sunday off from my secular job and Larry had Tuesday and Sunday off. Sunday was a day we were at church all day with Sunday morning service, Sunday afternoon worship team & choir rehearsals, and Sunday night church. On Tuesday nights, our lead pastor was part of a basketball league in the city and he wanted the guys on staff involved in that as well. Although this was Larry’s day off, by the time I got home from work at 5 o’clock, he would leave for basketball, and when he returned he would shower first and then want to eat dinner. By the time we finally connected the night was almost over and we were both exhausted. We would both have to wake up early to begin our crazy schedules all over again. We weren’t getting enough time together. We were in love and desperately wanted that time, it was just in short supply.

One day I was at work, sitting at my desk typing away when a guy I worked with who was in management who was about 10 years older stopped by my desk, paused a moment and said, “Deanna, has anyone ever told you that you have really nice lips?” As soon as he said it, I felt it in my body. My heart raced and I got a tingly feeling. I don’t even remember what I said, I was so flustered and feeling high and I somehow got through the last hour or two of work before leaving to go home. I had never noticed this man in any sort of way but a colleague before. And to clarify, nothing happened between us, but I felt overwhelmed by the feelings I had when he commented on my lips. I got in my car and cried all the way home. I felt incredibly guilty for what I felt inside me when this man had only said one sentence, and it rocked my world. I have always been sensitive to the Holy Spirit and I feel conviction very quickly and I felt overcome with anxiety all the way home, sobbing and asking myself how I, a Christian woman who was a minister and happily married, could feel this way? Why was I even turned on by this, if I was such a woman of God? When I was almost home, I felt the Holy Spirit speak to me and say, “Tell Larry what happened. Share your feelings with him about this. Nip this in the bud, immediately.” Not gonna lie, I was nervous. How would he react?

When I went inside, I tearfully told Larry about what occurred and how I felt when it happened, and how guilty I felt about what had stirred inside of me. And then I said, “The truth is, I don’t get enough of you. I need you, and we hardly see each other except in the context of church services. I want you more of you and I feel like I’m starving.” Larry was so tender with me and totally agreed and said, “There’s no question what I’m going to do…I’m not going to play basketball on Tuesday nights anymore. The time is going to be ours.” I was so grateful for his response. The decision wasn’t without some push back. Our pastor unfortunately didn’t feel the same as we did about this and gave Larry a talk on the importance of not letting your wife control you, not being “whipped,” or “hen-pecked”…and that guys need to do things for themselves, and that I needed to understand his need for an outlet. The fact is, both husbands and wives need to do things for themselves – that is true, but we had no time for ourselves or each other. And our pastor needed to understand our need to have time together as a married couple. Thankfully we didn’t listen to that advice and we focused on our marriage on Tuesday nights, as well as other times, and I never had another incident like the one at work, or with any other man for that matter. To this day I’m so thankful that Larry was never upset with me and did whatever it took to put me first. As time went on we started doing things for ourselves, too.

Face your fantasies and deal with them

I’m not a Hallmark movie type gal, but that has never kept me from fantasizing about things that are just that — fantasies. Although I have never thought about a man I actually know, during difficult seasons in our marriage I have fantasized about fictional men — people who didn’t exist – a fictional character that I dreamed would be the perfect man, and better for me than whatever problems I was dealing with in my marriage. This is not to say that Larry was the only one with shortcomings. I had plenty of them too! I’m just saying, at times in our marriage I was unfortunately exclusively focused on what he was doing wrong. In that, I  fantasized that men I had conjured up in my mind in fictitious dreamy scenarios would be better than whatever difficult thing Larry and I were going through. I was wrong. All of these thoughts were fallacies…lies of the enemy that did nothing to help me or move our relationship forward. There is no perfect man, just as there is no perfect woman and these type of fantasies are not only worthless, they are dangerous. It’s not just a sin to think about men you do know that are not your spouse, it’s also a sin to fantasize about the fake men you’ve created in your mind. So cast those thoughts down, and focus on the real man in front of you that God gave you.

Satisfy your urges with your husband asap

There are times in the past I would have a sexual urge and it wouldn’t be a typical time that would be convenient to approach Larry (like right before bedtime) and so I’d put it off thinking, “I don’t have time for this…I have too many things on my agenda.” Then one day the Holy Spirit spoke to me (yes, He speaks to me about EVERYTHING…) and He said to me, “Why aren’t you approaching your husband about this urge that you have, right away? Don’t you know this isn’t by accident? I gave you this desire for him. Why are you just staying quiet about what you feel, and going about your work?”

At first I thought I truly didn’t have the time for it. There are unfortunately times Larry and I have worked an insane amount of hours a week. (That’s another post for another day about how to avoid that!) With everything Larry had on his plate, and as much as he enjoys sex, I figured he might be annoyed that he had things to do as well, and I was asking him at an inopportune time. But I began to see it from God’s perspective as He dealt with me on it. Now I know this is admittedly different and better if, like Larry and me, you are a salaried employee not an hourly one, or you are self-employed and you have the freedom to switch your schedule up a bit . I know everybody doesn’t have this freedom. But on the days my husband and I work together from home or we are working on the weekends which we often do, we do have the freedom to connect anytime we want to as long as we take the time. People who are hourly employees will have to be a bit more creative. Maybe tell your boss you need an hour for a mental health break. It’s really not a lie. But I digress…

The point is this…if you are married and you feel a sudden desire for your husband, let him know you want to satisfy that urge in the way God intended – right then. And then you need to be sensitive to his desire to do the same even if it’s inconvenient for you. (This can’t and shouldn’t be one sided.) When you minister to one another (yes, that’s what it is) in this way, you both live lives that are much more fulfilled and you are less prone to being distracted by temptations. My point is: try to fulfill the urge at the time that you have it, not later on. Too many times, later on doesn’t happen. There are always interruptions, so maybe you two need to be the interruption for once. Also, I need to give a caveat for people who might take this to a ridiculous point…of course you should not approach your husband with a request when it is an obviously impossible or inappropriate time, such as a significant event that is mandatory for his job or yours. I would never approach Larry when he has to do something right then and there, like preach a service or do a funeral. Have fun, but don’t throw away common sense.

Sometimes Larry and I have been so busy in the ministry and other projects that we have talked ourselves into thinking we were just busy with too much going on to stop and tend to each other. That’s a lie from the enemy. I know some of you may be apprehensive about doing this and you think, “Wait…what if someone I work with figures out what we’re doing, or finds it strange that we’re just disappearing mid-day on a Wednesday and catch on to what’s happening…” Well…what’s the problem? That they are going to find out that you are MARRIED PEOPLE doing what MARRIED PEOPLE DO? It’s really not such a big deal when you think of it that way.

Work will always be there to go back to. You can always work a little later than you intended or circle back later on in the evening to get something done that you stopped to fulfill the desire THAT GOD GAVE YOU you for the person you have committed your life to. I believe it is a no-brainer that we will deal with a lot less temptations when we are not walking around with unfulfilled sexual desires, waiting for the perfect time to fulfill them that may never come, or will probably be way too infrequent.

Sexual desires are a real God-given thing, and something we don’t talk enough about managing in a Godly way, both before marriage as well as after. And that’s another post for another day, as well.

What haven’t I covered?

I hope this is helpful to you. Is there something I haven’t covered that is a temptation you have faced as a married woman? Let’s talk about it. Post in the comments or shoot me an email at deannashrodes@gmail.com if it needs to be more private. I would be glad to help you work through something or pray with you if you are struggling. You are not alone and it’s important to reach out to someone sooner rather than later to preserve the marriage that God has given you. I am praying the best for you and your husband, today.