Last week I wrote about how to be a great host. Now it’s time to talk about the other side of the invitation.
Larry and I have hosted everything from small dinners to large gatherings of people in our home. We enjoy it, and after hundreds of gatherings, (maybe even thousands!) I’ve learned that guests can make hosting a joy, or make the final 20 minutes before dinner feel like an obstacle course.
These aren’t rules I invented because I’m particular about my garage. (Although I am particular about my garage. We’ll get there.) Most are common etiquette, with my own spin on them.
Don’t show up early
I know. You thought arriving early and offering to help was thoughtful. Usually, it isn’t.
Those last 15 minutes are when the host is getting ice into glasses, checking the rolls, changing clothes, and moving the pile of mail that somehow appeared on the counter. An early guest means stopping to answer the door and figuring out what to do with you while everything else is still in motion.
We also crate our dogs for larger gatherings because not everyone is comfortable with dogs. We wait until close to the start time because we don’t want them crated any longer than necessary. When the doorbell rings 30 minutes early, the dogs go wild and our timing goes out the window.
Arrive at the stated time, or a few minutes after. If you’ve been asked to come early and help, that’s different. Otherwise, give your host the full time they planned on having.
If you bring a gift, let it be a gift
I never expect a hostess gift, but I appreciate the thought behind one. What I don’t appreciate is being asked to stop what I’m doing and deal with it immediately.
Please don’t hand me flowers that need a vase and require me to find a place to put them while I’m trying to get dinner on the table. Don’t bring a wrapped box or gift bag and insist I open it right then, with everyone watching, while the rolls are burning. Hand it to me, say, “This is for you—open it later,” and let me put it aside.
That simple phrase makes your gift a blessing instead of another task that I have to rush to do while I’m trying to manage everything.
Ask before bringing food or drinks
I know bringing something extra feels generous. But if the host has planned the meal, the table, and the serving dishes, an unexpected item can create more work.
I’ve had people arrive with food that required bowls when there were no bowls in my place setting. For a backyard barbecue, that probably wouldn’t matter. For a brunch where I’ve set the china and stemware and thought through how everything will be served, it does.
The same goes for drinks. Larry and I don’t serve alcohol, but even in a home that does, bringing a bottle of wine as a gift doesn’t mean expecting the host to serve it that night. They may have already chosen what beverage best goes with dinner.
If you want to contribute, ask ahead of time: “Would it help if I brought anything?” And if the answer is no, believe them.
RSVP—and don’t surprise your host with extra people
If someone is preparing a meal, “I’ll let you know” isn’t an answer they can set a table for. Respond by the requested date. If your plans change, tell the host as soon as you know.
And please don’t assume an invitation includes a friend, a date, or your children unless the host has said so. I love feeding people, but I still need to know how many people I’m feeding.
Pay attention to the house rules
Are there shoes lined up by the door or a basket for them? Take the hint and remove yours. We don’t have a no-shoes rule at our house, but I pay attention when I visit someone who does.
The same principle applies to pets, children, where to park, and which bathroom to use. You’re in someone else’s home. A little observation goes a long way.
Stay out of rooms you haven’t been invited into
Please stay in the areas where your host has welcomed guests. Don’t wander into bedrooms, offices, closets, or the garage.
Yes, the garage. Ours is messy. It is not our finest work, and I do not want guests in there. Ever. And I don’t care how close they think they are to us. I’ve had people say, “We’re family! I don’t care if your garage is messy!” Well, I do care. We have a second refrigerator and a large trash can in the garage, which apparently gives some people the idea that they can head out there to fetch drinks or take out the trash. It does not.
Usually they’re trying to help, but they haven’t asked. I’ve had people I’m not particularly close to open that door and take charge as though they live here.
I finally put a DO NOT OPEN THIS DOOR sign on it with yellow caution tape. Dramatic? Perhaps. Effective? Absolutely.
If you need something, ask. If you want to help, ask. An open invitation to dinner is not an open invitation to tour the house.
Offer to help once—and accept the answer
“Can I help with anything?” is lovely. If the host gives you a task, wonderful. If they say, “No, please relax,” then relax.
Some hosts enjoy company in the kitchen. Others have a system and would rather finish it themselves. Insisting after they’ve answered doesn’t make you extra helpful. It makes them manage you along with dinner.
The same goes for cleanup. You can offer. If the host would rather leave the dishes until everyone goes home, enjoy the conversation and let them. As for me I generally want to clean up after everyone is gone. I enjoy spending time with my guests while they are there, not spending time on cleaning.
Use your manners at the table
A few things shouldn’t need saying, but here we are:
- Put your phone away for most of the gathering.
- Take a reasonable first portion when you can see a lot of people still need to eat.
- Chew with your mouth closed.
- Wait until everyone is served before you begin, unless the host tells you to go ahead.
- Include the people around you in the conversation. Let everyone have an opportunity to talk.
If you have an allergy or a dietary need, please tell your host before the event when possible. I want people to feel welcome and have something they can eat. I can do a much better job of that with advance notice than when you tell me as I’m carrying the casserole to the table.
Don’t overstay your welcome
If the invitation says 6–8 p.m., start wrapping up around 8. Don’t wait for your hosts to announce that they need to go to bed.
Larry and I have had gatherings scheduled to end at 8 or 9 where guests stayed past midnight, even though we had work early the next morning. Eventually Larry has had to say, “I’m sorry, but we need to get to bed.” He was right to say it, but it shouldn’t have been necessary.
I’ve also hosted breakfasts and luncheons when I had work to complete later on in the day. I’m glad when people feel comfortable enough to linger. I’m flattered, truly. But the gathering may be just one small part of a full day for your host.
Watch the time. Thank them. Head home while everyone is still enjoying themselves.
A great guest doesn’t have to bring the perfect gift, know which fork to use, or volunteer for cleanup. A great guest pays attention. They respect the invitation, the home, and the person who put in the work to welcome them.
And if there’s caution tape on a door, for heaven’s sake, don’t open it.
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