One of the most important lessons I’ve learned in leadership is that if I take everything personally, it will exhaust me. Leadership puts you in the path of so many opinions, emotions, disagreements, criticism and misunderstandings. And if you absorb all of that personally, it’s overwhelming. Here is an important truth:
Much of what happens around you as a leader is not actually about you at all.
It took me a super long time to realize that. This is one of those things I wish I knew much earlier in my leadership journey.
Here are five things that have helped me learn not to take things personally.
Most reactions are about people’s own stress
People bring their own pressures into every conversation:
- Family stress
- Ministry challenges
- Financial worries
- Personal insecurity
- Emotional fatigue
When someone responds strongly, it often has far more to do with what they are carrying than what you actually did.
When leaders take this personally, they carry weight that doesn’t belong to them. But when you step back, you can recognize that their reaction is coming from their stress, not your leadership.That perspective brings peace.
So often when I have had a conflict with someone in the church, or in my district work, it really isn’t about me at all…it’s about the fact that somebody’s marriage is falling apart, or they found drugs in their kids’ room, or their church is going through a split…and they are taking it out on me.
True but bizarre story (I have plenty of them, unfortunately)…in our previous church there was a lady that just could not accept me. No matter what I did it was wrong and she seemed to be struggling even being around me. Then one day she broke down into tears and confessed to me that she had not been able to “accept me” (her words) because, “you have the same exact hair color as the woman my husband cheated with…and I can hardly look at you…”
What could I do about that? I mean I guess I could color my hair. But no! (LOL)
The bottom line was: it wasn’t me! It was her.
Leadership decisions will always disappoint someone
If you’re leading, you’re making decisions. And if you’re making decisions, someone will disagree.
My husband made a big mistake when we first started youth pastoring. We were on the bus coming back from a youth event and he stood up and asked the kids, “Where do you all want to go? McDonalds or Burger King?” A big disagreement ensued among the kids, my husband made the choice and half the bus was mad at him. He never asked again, and just started picking the place. Sometimes kids would still be mad, but at least there wasn’t the big fight on the bus.
Making decisions and having people disappointed is not failure. This is leadership.
Early in leadership, I thought if I just worked hard enough, communicated clearly enough, and loved people well enough, everyone would understand.
But that’s not realistic. Even Jesus disappointed people.
If your goal is to lead well, you cannot also make your goal to please everyone. The two are incompatible.
Strong leaders accept that disagreement is part of the calling.
Not everything requires an emotional response
I am a “get it done now” person and when something comes up, I want to deal with it immediately. But sometimes that is not wise.There are times as leaders that we need to pump the brakes.
When something feels personal, the temptation is to react emotionally:
- Defend yourself
- Explain immediately
- Replay the situation over and over
- Carry it all day
But wise leaders learn to pause. Sometimes the healthiest response is to:
- Give it time
- Pray about it
- Let emotions settle
- Revisit with clarity later
Many things that feel deeply personal in the moment lose their intensity with time.
And sometimes… you realize it wasn’t personal at all.
You cannot control how others interpret you
This one is difficult for many leaders, especially those who genuinely care about people. I have learned that you can communicate clearly, lead with integrity and act with kindness, but you cannot control how others will interpret what you do. I have done things with a good heart before and there are still people who will misinterpret my motives and actions.
Some will misunderstand.
Some will assume.
Some will fill in gaps incorrectly.
If you try to control all of that, you will become emotionally drained.
Healthy leaders release the need to control perception and focus instead on faithfulness.
Walk in you identity – who God has made you to be, and flow in how He has created you to function. And let the rest go.
Sometimes you just cannot change people’s minds about you. Their mindset it fixed in stone and only God can change it.
I have had people dislike me over many things I cannot control. For example, I am a woman. God made me a woman, I am a woman and that is not going to change. (Nor do I ever want it to!) If people dislike me because I am a woman I cannot change their mind on that…only the Holy Spirit can change such a fixed mind. All I can do is pray for that person and let it go, not get on a soapbox, try to defend women, etc. It doesn’t work.
While I’m on this topic I’m going to give you a pretty cool story about how God did change someone who was like that. There was a pastor of another denomination who began attending our church years ago, in a restoration season of his life. He and his wife came to our current church for about two years. The only thing was, he didn’t believe in women in the ministry. I know you’re probably wondering, “Why in the world would they pick your church to come to? One that had a female co-pastor?” Good question. It was because there were four couples they were friends with who are members at the church, and they encouraged them to come. It was really more about socializing with these couples, than being at our church in particular. So, Pastor Bill as I will call him, tried to ignore any part of the service where I was leading (pretty hard) and on the occasions when I would preach, he would leave and go to the parking lot until the service was over. I know, crazy right?
So about mid-way through Pastor Bill and his wife’s time with us, he got stage 4 colon cancer. He was given a terrible prognosis. And one day he was in the hospital. A visit needed to be made and God has a sense of humor. No one was available but me, and my husband sent me to do it. So, I went by myself to this visit, and you’ll never guess what happened…I prayed for Pastor Bill, and days later it was discovered that he was healed! Yes, totally healed. I do not take the credit for this, it was Jesus. But I will say this, he never said a bad word about me again and he stopped going to the parking lot when I preached.
I will repeat what I said again: only the Holy Spirit can change such a person’s mindset.
Your identity must be rooted in God, not in people’s response
This may be the most important one of all. If your identity is tied to praise, approve or positive feedback, then criticism is going to shake you deeply.
But when your identity is rooted in God, you can hear feedback without being crushed. You can endure misunderstanding without losing peace. You can lead steadily even when things are tense.
Galatians 1:10 reminds us: “Am I now trying to win the approval of human beings, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still trying to please people, I would not be a servant of Christ.”
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