I once had a friend I will call Rita who was friends with a woman I will call Annette. The reason I have changed their names will soon become clear.

I was not friends with Annette. Although I had nothing against Annette when I first met her, she instantly disliked me because of how much Rita liked me and enjoyed spending time with me. She wanted Rita to be her exclusive best friend, and she became extremely jealous. Rita and I began doing everything from going to exercise classes together to having lunch and shopping. Annette confronted Rita about spending time with me. To add to this, our husbands also got along great too, and we did a lot of things together as couples.

Annette was a valued friend of Rita’s despite her issues with jealousy, envy, possessiveness, control, and more. As time went on, Annette started demanding that Rita limit her time with me, and spend more time with her. She demanded she pare down the amount of time with me, to prove her loyalty to her. There were times Rita would agree to go somewhere with me and then cancel and say, “I’d love to go to this event with you — it’s really what I want to do, but I feel like if I don’t this with Annette, I’m going to lose her as a friend. She’s feeling hurt and I need to reassure her by choosing to go with her instead.” I was disappointed at times, but I never said so or let my face reveal my feelings. I would smile and say, “Okay…I understand. Have a wonderful time!.”

My strategy was to bless Rita anytime she would say that she was going with Annette and encourage her to have fun. As you might guess, when she went with Annette, it wasn’t always fun. Annette would use that time to complain about Rita not prioritizing her more, saying that she missed being her exclusive friend, and blah blah blah. Nevertheless, Rita kept trying to please Annette for a while, to maintain the friendship.

I sensed in my spirit that if I would always be the non-pressuring one, the “easy” one, the one who was comfortable to spend time with, I would eventually get to spend however much friendship time with Rita as I wanted. I felt like the less I pressured, the sooner I would be free of this ridiculous relational spitting contest that I never wanted to enter. And that’s exactly how it went. For months, anytime Rita told me she was going with Annette, I would give my warmest smile and say, “Oh awesome, I hope you guys have a great time!” and I would go on to do something else. Meanwhile, Annette continued to proverbially kick and scream, questioning Rita about every little thing in her friendship world, demanding to be her exclusive bestie.

Finally, my modis operandi worked! Rita had enough! She became sick and tired of the dysfunctional friendship merry-go-round she was on, and decided to get off of it. She ended her friendship with Annette saying, “I can’t take it anymore. Annette drives me crazy with her controlling ways, and  I’m done.” Then she went on to say, “Friendship is just so darn easy with someone who never pressures, blesses me all the time, and never interrogates me about what I’m doing, who I’m with and why I don’t do more with them.”

The truth is, this could have been a win-win. If Annette just stopped pressuring, Rita would have spent ample time with both of us. But the pressure cooker she put Rita in finally exploded and it was game over.

The one who doesn’t pressure wins. Whether it’s a situation with two sets of in-laws jockeying for position in a newlywed couple’s life, a pastor’s relationship with church members, or a boss-employee relationship…the one who does not pressure will always be the person the other one gravitates to.

Consider using this method in your relationships.  I live by it, and it most always works. The more I act chill about whatever is happening, the closer people come to me.

Pressure causes tension. One example of this is Exodus 17 where the Israelites complained to their leader, Moses. They got thirsty in the wilderness and started grumbling and even threatening rebellion. This did not endear Moses to them. He didn’t feel closer to them.

In Exodus 17:2-4, we read:

“So once more the people complained against Moses. “Give us water to drink!” they demanded. “Quiet!” Moses replied. “Why are you complaining against me? And why are you testing the Lord?” ³ But tormented by thirst, they continued to argue with Moses. “Why did you bring us out of Egypt? Are you trying to kill us, our children, and our livestock with thirst?”⁴ Then Moses cried out to the Lord, “What should I do with these people? They are ready to stone me!”

Again, he wasn’t thinking, “Oh what a wonderful group I have!” He was thinking, “Oh my lands, what ANNOYING people!!”

Thankfully God provided a solution, but these people did nothing but make Moses tired.

It’s never a productive thing to make your boss, or your pastor, your family or friends feel annoyed and tired.

I can’t think of one occasion when I’ve gone to my boss and said something even remotely pressuring. The reason for that is, I know it’s the worst thing I can do to get the results I want. While no one should be a doormat, and advocating for your needs is important, being careful not to place pressure on them is crucial. You can advocate for your needs without pressuring. Pressure repels. A cooperative spirit compels. Pressure can destroy trust, and future opportunities. The more you pressure your boss to do something, the less they are probably going to be inclined to do it. In fact, pressure can be viewed by them as a challenge to their authority.

In the same way, the more you pressure your adult son or daughter to do something, the less they are probably going to do it.

The more you pressure your pastor to do something, the less they are probably going to respond favorably.

The more you chill and pray about it, the more likely things are going to unfold in your favor — provided you are actually praying something that does not conflict with Scripture and is God-honoring.