Is there someone in your life who you desperately want to help, but when it gets down to it, they do not really want to be helped? Some would say it makes no sense to keep trying. They shake their heads in disbelief that you have hung on for so long trying. But if you’re like me, you see great potential in people and have a drive to see them fulfill it. One of the hardest lessons in life is realizing that you cannot help people who do not want to be helped, or lead people who do not want to be led, or invest in people who aren’t interested in your investment. Your ability to help someone is limited by their willingness to receive it.

People who are like colanders…

You might see someone struggling and believe that with the right guidance, things could turn around. You have such big hopes and dreams for them. Oh what they could accomplish, if they would only listen to your counsel and act on it!  But real change starts with a personal desire — a fire within, and some people have it and some don’t.

There are times you pour into someone, and it’s as if you are pouring into a strainer or colander. Everything you pour in goes right through them, and due to their lack of desire and care they do not retain anything you have poured in. Trying to help someone who isn’t ready and willing is a huge drain on your time, energy and even your health!

There are many times I have had to remind myself…I am called to lead people, not to drag them. If I have to drag them, it’s not working.

Tina Blount is a pastor, coach and entrepreneur who is a friend and someone who was my boss during a season of my life. She was an executive at a coaching company I worked for, and trained all of us coaches who were on staff. One stellar piece of advice she used to give us was, “If at any time you feel like you are working harder than the client, or you are more invested in the process than they are, that’s a problem!” I knew if at any moment I felt like I was more all in than they were, it was time to back off and make a wiser investment somewhere else.

Taking a Step Back

Most people, myself included, struggle with taking a step back from someone you have invested in. You take stock of how many hours, days or years you have poured in and you are reluctant to let go. But hitting rock bottom is a necessity for some people. They don’t change through any other method than that one. “Rock bottom” is a foreign concept to me personally as I am a planner and would do aaaaaaannnnnything to avoid a scenario that was anything like “rock bottom.” I will throw myself into any means necessary to avoid more pain but some people are gluttons for punishment and aren’t going to change at all until they hit rock bottom. Stepping back isn’t giving up. You are not a failure for stepping back. When you step back you are creating space for people to become responsible.

Jesus never forced anyone to take his help 

Jesus offers truth, healing, salvation and more. He has always offered abundance to anyone who wants it, but left the choice up to them. He says, “choose you this day whom you will serve,” and leaves the decision up to the individual.  He says, “behold I stand at the door and knock.” (Revelation 3:20)  Notice he didn’t kick down the door. He knocked on it. If no one answers, that’s their choice. It’s a costly one — nevertheless, it’s all their own.

Today my friend Judi reminded me that Jesus called people to follow Him, but He never begged.When the rich young ruler asked how to inherit eternal life, Jesus told him to sell his possessions and follow Him. The man walked away sad, and Jesus let him go (Mark 10:17-22).  Sometimes we have to let people walk away sad. We might walk away sad too, nevertheless sometimes you just have to have a season of sadness when someone wants to choose rock bottom over choosing life.

Sometimes we feel like failures when people resist our help. Keep in mind that some people didn’t want to receive Jesus’ help. And when they refused it, he didn’t run after them and beg them to change. In fact, He told His disciples, “If anyone will not receive you or listen to your words, shake the dust off your feet and move on.” (Matthew 10:14)

It is common to want to force people into abundance, because we think…”who the heck doesn’t want ABUNDANCE??!!” But the truth is, some people for whatever bizarre reason want to roll around in the pig pen for while. You have to let them come to their senses in their own time as much as it defies logic and as badly as it hurts.

Move with the movers

I know your willing heart needs an outlet somewhere. Mine does too. I love seeing people grow and flourish. It’s kind of addicting.

Jesus didn’t force his help on people, he simply welcomed those who came to him. He “moved with the movers” as I call it. We’ve got to pour our energies into those who are truly hungry for help and transformation. Give to those who value what they are receiving. Recently I heard someone say it’s the job of a leader to “lead the willing, inspire the hesitant and release the resistant.” In other words: Stop watering dead plants.