Do you feel intense pressure to conform to the expectations of those around you, or systems you live and work within? Is true freedom and really being yourself your greatest craving, yet it seems more elusive than ever to be able to do so…at least without great repercussions? Do you sometimes feel as if you could burst with the inner you that would love to come out if only you felt it was safe to do so? If you struggle with this, you are not alone.

We are all trained from our very earliest days to conform. I have great appreciation for learning and education. I thrive on learning something new every day — and I loved formal education as well. Teachers are some of my favorite people. At the same time what students encounter from day one of sitting in a classroom is a list of expectations in how to conform for not only acceptance, but success. There is typically little room for coloring outside the lines.

In her book, The Art of Not Doing, author Sophia Lane Harper explains this in regard to education:

“These social skills are valuable: collaboration and respect for others are crucial life skills. But there’s a shadow side to this training. We become so adept at meeting others’ expectations that we lose touch with our instincts. We learn that disagreement equals disruption, that standing apart is somehow standing wrong.”

Few are the arenas where people are praised for going outside the norm. There are many environments I have personally worked within in ministry where any type of individuality is viewed as suspicious or even as some type of disunity or disloyalty. There is often pressure to line up with the ways and means of leadership, leaving any uniqueness or individuality behind. This is just one reason why I believe entrepreneurship has gone through the roof. More people than ever are starting their own businesses, ministries, and ventures of every kind. They want freedom. Not just freedom in their schedule, or more work/life balance, but freedom to BE. Increased accessibility of technology, particularly the internet, has made entrepreneurship a more viable option, allowing for easier creation and global reach. Living through the Covid 19 global pandemic also encouraged many people to pursue this option. Once people dipped their toes into the water of working from home and realized how amazing it was, they decided to jump into the deep end of the pool once the pandemic was over, leaving their previous jobs and starting ventures they had always dreamed of. In these spaces, being themselves was truly possible, free from the structures that once bound them.

Everyone isn’t ready to jump in to the deep end of the pool and become an entrepreneur, and sometimes it’s impossible at the present time, because of financial or family constraints. But how can you get comfortable with embracing your individuality and uniqueness right where you are now? It takes time, intentionality, and sometimes, a bit of unlearning. Here are six steps to help you step into your authentic self with confidence, no matter what your current situation.

 

Take time to reflect on what makes you unique.

 

As Socrates once said, “Know thyself.” Some people have been rammed down into conformity for so long – in their families of origin, in their marriage, in their workplace, and their church — they don’t even know what THEY like or what they stand for. Take time to really ponder…who am I? What do I like? What am I naturally drawn to? What makes me feel alive? What do I typically do differently from other people? What perspectives do I have that are uniquely mine?

 

Challenge the need for approval

 

Many times we seek approval where none is needed.

First and foremost, God’s approval is the One we seek.

Galatians 1:10 has been one of my favorite Scriptures since I was just a teenager. It says this:

“For am I now seeking the approval of man, or of God? Or am I trying to please people? If I were still pleasing people, I would not be a servant of Christ.” Galatians 1:10

Many people fear standing out because they have been conditioned to seek validation. Anytime you are seeking someone’s validation or approval, stop and ask yourself why. Is it necessary? Is this approval you are seeking part of your job description? Obviously on your job, you do have to fulfill a job description and there are things you do need your boss’s approval on. It is understandable why you would seek approval on those things. However, if you are struggling with approval addiction on things you don’t even need to get approval on, examine why.

Regarding marriage/family expectations — you can evaluate and start speaking up.  I know it’s messy sometimes, especially if you are in a complementarian marriage. Personally, my husband and I are not complementarians, we are  egalitarians. (If you are confused, and have never heard these terms or do not know the difference, this is a basic explanation.) In making a shift to where there is greater room for individuality, there are moments that it might get worse before it gets better. But in the end you are better for working through this in your relationship. A healthy relationship consists of two people who can actually be themselves within the marriage, and not only show up as their best selves, but live in such a way where both are completely supported to reach their highest potential.

Whether you are dealing with home, work, or other relationships, drill down on why you seek approval. Practice making decisions that reflect your desires and not simply what others expect.

 

Start experimenting with small acts of individuality

 

You don’t have to jump into the deep end of the pool all at once. Here are some ideas to start small and be on your way to living as God created you:

• Try a new style that appeals to you. Don’t worry about what anyone else will think or say. If you like those bold multi-colored bell bottoms, pick them up. Wear them without fear and rock the daylights of of them.
• Speak up in a situation of lower consequences where you would normally stay quiet. Test the waters, but not with something that would cause it to feel like an immediate bomb dropped in your household or workplace.
• Approach a task in a different way that feels right to you rather than the standard way that it’s done. Often this is how we find great systems that were previously unconsidered. For example, my publisher has rules about getting legal permissions/release forms for those whose stories are shared in books. Being that my forthcoming book is full of other people’s miracle stories, I had a lot of these release forms to get signed and sent in. I chose to get them as I went along, on the front end — while I was writing the book. I didn’t wait until I finished the book to contact everyone and turn them in. It just came naturally to me and made sense to me to do it my way. As I was sending the release forms in, my editor said, “Oh my gosh, this is so much better than the way we have been doing it! We’re going to learn something from the way you have done this and change our system here.” I didn’t even realize I had been doing anything different — this was just what came to me as the best thing to do. When I questioned what their former system was, my editor explained that he had previously allowed authors to finish their entire first draft and then at the end, get all the release forms done. Many times this resulted in authors trying to chase people down for a long time, and in turn the editor was trying to chase down the author for the forms. He decided to change the system to my way of doing things simply because he saw how much smoother it went.
• Express an honest, but unpopular opinion at dinner with friends. See how it goes.

 

Be okay with discomfort

 

Very little growth comes without discomfort. In growing as a person or as a leader, you have to be willing to sit in the discomfort. When you are feeling uncomfortable, remind yourself that you are growing. Remind yourself of the upside of going through this. You’re not doing it for nothing. You’re actually getting something out of it. When you are tempted to conform ask yourself this question: “What if I’m on the verge of something great?” Remind yourself that nobody that ever did anything significant in life ever fit into a comfortable box that people expected them to squish down into.

Redefine what it means to succeed

 

To many ladder-climbers, succeeding simply means getting promoted to the level where they want to be. However, (and I’m looking for a nice way to say this, but there doesn’t seem to be a very nice way…) what many of them had to do to get there is pretty much prostitute themselves in some regard (not always sex) or sell their souls to people and things they don’t believe in. Even in the church world, this is what many people had to do to get where they are. They had to agree with things they knew were wrong, honor people who were dishonorable, respect that which isn’t respectable and much worse. Is that what you want to have to show for yourself at the end of the day? I know, I know, this paragraph was a tough read. It was honestly tough for me to write, but it’s true. So here’s where we go from here…

Reframe success. Is it getting to that place on the ladder where you always dreamed of being, or is it being authentically, unabashedly you? Because there’s not much worse than getting to the top of a ladder and realizing it was leaning against the wrong wall the whole time, Or, getting to the top and realizing you can never truly be yourself. True confession here: there are a few jobs I believe I would rock, however, I will not consider them even if the opportunity presented itself, because I’m not willing to live in a space where I have to be less of myself than I am now. Don’t confuse this with, “He must increase, I must decrease.” (John 3:30) That’s scripture speaks of humility. What it doesn’t speak of is living as someone God never intended you to be.

Success is getting to where God wants you to go and living as He made you and designed you to live.

Embrace not being everyone’s cup of tea

 

Everyone won’t like the real you. In fact, some people will hate the real you. (For most of the haters, it will be jealousy that you actually have the nerve to live transparently, while they don’t have the courage to live the same. Or, they will be jealous of how God has blessed you because you live this way. And because people love you.) But no, you will not be everyone’s cup of tea. But even more people, they are going to love, love, love the tea that you bring to the table. They will crave it.

Every great movement, piece of art, and breakthrough happened because someone dared to be different. The world needs the unconformed you.

Romans 12:2 says, “Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect.”

You were never destined to be conformed to this world or anything in it…only to God and His will for you life. In following Him, and all that this means —  you will be hated by some.  You aren’t alone. In John 15:18 Jesus said, “If the world hates you, know that it has hated me before  it hated you.”

You are not everyone’s cup of tea, but the way He made you is just right.

Live fully as God intended.