We need to have conversations with the people we’re supposed to have conversations with.

This didn’t come out of my head — I wish it did. It’s brilliant. But I have to give credit to T.D. Jakes. I heard him say it in an interview, and it changed my life. And now, I hope it changes yours.

Jakes says that when we have conflict or hurt in our lives and we don’t discuss it with the person who caused the pain, we will always end up having “that conversation” with somebody else! 

If you are in the ministry you will probably recall times when people seemed to use you as their personal punching bag and you did nothing to cause it. THIS IS WHY. The person was trying to have a conversation with you that they were meant to have with someone else.

Many times we take out on other people that which has nothing to do with them, and that which they can’t change or heal!

“Have the conversation with the person you need to have the conversation with!” Jakes said.

I realized a few important things after watching the interview, and I hope my takeaways will help you too.

1)  Sometimes I have had “the conversation” with a person, we seek mutual understanding and it goes well. Thank God for those occasions! It’s so great when things go as you pray that they will.

2)  Other times I have had “the conversation” with someone and unfortunately, they didn’t want to hear, listen or seek to understand. These qualifed as some of the most painful moments of life.

3) With the most painful time this ever happened to me, I now realize that to try to re-hash the conversation while they didn’t seek to understand (or even lied to me) only hurt worse and didn’t change anything. Continuing to try to have “the conversation” with a person like this only adds more pain. It usually goes round and round with no resolution, because they have no intention to tell the truth or to try to see your viewpoint. I now know that moving on after the first conversation, and seeking healing between God and me was the right thing to do.

4) Some people struggle with a conversation they should have had with someone who died. In this case I believe it would be productive to write your feelings in a letter to that person, or even have a one-way conversation – envisioning the person sitting in an empty chair in front of you. If we don’t have a one way conversation like this directed at the one who is gone, we will probably end up re-hashing it with a bunch of people who are still alive, and doing damage to those relationships.

5)  Considering this truth has made me realize when things happen I need to make sure I’m having “the conversation” with the right person so everyone else in my life doesn’t needlessly suffer from pain somebody else caused.

What has your experience been with this?

Have you had a lot of conversations with the wrong people, and if so — how did that go?

Have a lot of people used you as a punching bag when you didn’t deserve it? How did that make you feel, and how do you tend to handle this now?